Just To Get By
Add to Del.icio.usEvery summer, shredders across the globe take on a variety of demeaning, low-paying jobs—with the sole mission of stacking enough loot for a season pass and a new setup. Here, we dissect the ups and downs of a few types of honest off-season employment.
by TJ ParsonsCHAIN RESTAURANTS
Your neighborhood Applechili-Friday’s is hiring.
Pros:- Chance to add “extra ingredients” to obnoxious customers’ meals
- Occasional free food
- Free food is indescribably horrible
- Clothes perpetually smell like fried garlic-artichoke dip
- Ever-increasing desire to destroy all humanity
COUNTRY-CLUB CADDY
Better brush up on your brown-nosing.
Pros:- After-hours golf-cart races/destruction derby
- Can use fairway bunkers to build kick-ass sand castles
- Must handle old, white, dimply balls all day
- Harmful long-term exposure to absurd, selfish political views
- Ironically, rich people are often terrible tippers
Surely you can go bigger than this guy.
DOOR-TO-DOOR VACUUM SALES
Prepare for unceasing, mind-numbing rejection.
Pros:- Your house has never been cleaner…not like that’s saying much
- Sometimes porno movies start this way
- Gory slasher movies start this way, too
- Must wear humiliating “We Suck Hardest!” promo t-shirt
- Permanent hearing loss due to doors being forcibly slammed in face
PROMOTIONAL SIGN HOLDER
Stand on street corners and make an ass of yourself.
Pros:- Forearm exercise reduces chance of wrist injury next season
- Heat exhaustion can lead to some sweet hallucinations
- Five-dollar pizzas you advertise are neither hot nor delicious
- Stray dogs consistently mistake you for a fire hydrant
- Lifelong facial deformities caused by hours of forced enthusiasm
Consider this the best-case scenario.
POOL CLEANER
Scrub down the property of people better than you.
Pros:- Potential to stare at wealthy, sunbathing cougars
- Epic farmer’s tan
- Clothes/skin constantly melted by toxic chemical agents
- Forced to stare at tantalizing pool while working in sweltering heat
- Creepy-looking company van eliminates potential for on-the-clock romance