Accessorize, Dammit!
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by Toni Isom
Kicker Fucker Chicken Hong Kong Night Belt
This thing costs $200! It’s really, really shiny and it holds up your gold-plated pants. For those of you without trust funds, Kicker Fucker Chicken also makes bling that won’t violate your wallet. Well, maybe just a little...
Kicker Fucker Chicken Madonna Ring
The K.F.C. Madonna Ring: 25¢ vending-machine style—guaranteed not to turn your finger green.
If you’re in the market for a belt with some blingity blang and slopeside function, check out this 686 Toolbelt with integrated screwdrivers, wrench, and bottle opener. This is a good belt for doing stuff.
The Airblaster Leg Fanny Pack holds your juice box and your favorite Transformers action figure, so you won’t have to call your mom and have her bring them to the mountain.
Your iPod is like Keith Richards: it’s very fragile, but it plays good music. Do for your ’Pod what rock-‘n’-roll hasn’t done for Keith—prolong life.
These are socks. Burton snowboard socks, to be specific. They feel like cushy clouds on your feet while you ride, and you can wear them with a skirt in the winter. Huzzah!
Kicker Fucker Chicken Kiss Stomp Pad
Some marketing dude suggested I include more bling.
Here you go, marketing dude.
OneBallJay The Coffin Board Bag
If you’re a vampire (and who isn’t), OneBallJay’s Board Bag is a bed by day and a rolling snowboard/gear tote by night.
The way we see it, you have three options. Wear gloves and have colder fingers, wear mittens and fumble with everything, or wear the toasty Mustang Trigger Mitts and look like a freakish pony-shooting lobster-man.
Giro Bad Lieutenant Audio Series Helmet
Helmets are neat ’cause they protect your brain from rocks, trees, and other people’s helmets. And they give your look that phallic oomph it so desperately needs. The Bad Lieutenant Audio Series comes with built-in speakers so you can turn your music up super loud and increase the odds that a helmet will come in handy.
I’ve never been a big fan of watches (probably because people always look at theirs when I’m talking to them), but this one’s pretty cool. The supple (perverted word alert!) leather band isn’t all heavy and metal-y.
Vestal Grenade Air Mail Canvas Watch
PUNK ROCK!!!!
The grenade case flips up to reveal a clock. Make sure you snap it shut afterward so no one can bogart a free glance at the time.
This thing keeps your face from falling off on those freaking freezing chair lift rides. (You’ll be glad you’re wearing it when some kid rocking the Airblaster fanny pack falls off the lift, leaving you to hang at 9000ft while the wind blows harder than [insert friend’s name]’s mom). Plus, you can drape it over a flashlight on your roommate’s dresser and scare the piss out of him.
Coal Considered Muji Beanie/Neck Warmer
Not into the X-Files look? The Coal Muji Beanie/Neck Warmer is both a beanie and a neckwarmer—for those of you who smoked a little too much pot before reading this here article dealie. Just loosen the drawstrings at the top and pull it down to prevent facial frostbite.
Skull Candy Smokin’ Bud Earphones
Speaking of pot, these headphones have a blatant drug reference in their name. So you better try them. What are you, a baby?
Seriously though, these are cool cuz you don’t have to figure out how to fit your beanie over your studio ’phones when all you can think about is polishing puppies and gorging on Cheese Nips.
If your size XXXXL hoody and $200 belt don’t quite convey how money (and also gangsta) you truly are, you can add this fitty-nine fitty cap to your ghetto-fab get-up. Or, if you don’t want to look like a thugged-out Stewie Griffin, ...
You can look like Charlie Chapman, instead.
And last but not least:
