Accessorize, Dammit!by Toni Isom
This thing costs $200! Itís really, really shiny and it holds up your gold-plated pants. For those of you without trust funds, Kicker Fucker Chicken also makes bling that wonít violate your wallet. Well, maybe just a little...
The K.F.C. Madonna Ring: 25Ę vending-machine styleóguaranteed not to turn your finger green.
If youíre in the market for a belt with some blingity blang and slopeside function, check out this 686 Toolbelt with integrated screwdrivers, wrench, and bottle opener. This is a good belt for doing stuff.
The Airblaster Leg Fanny Pack holds your juice box and your favorite Transformers action figure, so you wonít have to call your mom and have her bring them to the mountain.
Your iPod is like Keith Richards: itís very fragile, but it plays good music. Do for your íPod what rock-Ďní-roll hasnít done for Keithóprolong life.
These are socks. Burton snowboard socks, to be specific. They feel like cushy clouds on your feet while you ride, and you can wear them with a skirt in the winter. Huzzah!
Some marketing dude suggested I include more bling.
Here you go, marketing dude.
If youíre a vampire (and who isnít), OneBallJayís Board Bag is a bed by day and a rolling snowboard/gear tote by night.
The way we see it, you have three options. Wear gloves and have colder fingers, wear mittens and fumble with everything, or wear the toasty Mustang Trigger Mitts and look like a freakish pony-shooting lobster-man.
Helmets are neat ícause they protect your brain from rocks, trees, and other peopleís helmets. And they give your look that phallic oomph it so desperately needs. The Bad Lieutenant Audio Series comes with built-in speakers so you can turn your music up super loud and increase the odds that a helmet will come in handy.
Iíve never been a big fan of watches (probably because people always look at theirs when Iím talking to them), but this oneís pretty cool. The supple (perverted word alert!) leather band isnít all heavy and metal-y.
The grenade case flips up to reveal a clock. Make sure you snap it shut afterward so no one can bogart a free glance at the time.
This thing keeps your face from falling off on those freaking freezing chair lift rides. (Youíll be glad youíre wearing it when some kid rocking the Airblaster fanny pack falls off the lift, leaving you to hang at 9000ft while the wind blows harder than [insert friendís name]ís mom). Plus, you can drape it over a flashlight on your roommateís dresser and scare the piss out of him.
Not into the X-Files look? The Coal Muji Beanie/Neck Warmer is both a beanie and a neckwarmerófor those of you who smoked a little too much pot before reading this here article dealie. Just loosen the drawstrings at the top and pull it down to prevent facial frostbite.
Speaking of pot, these headphones have a blatant drug reference in their name. So you better try them. What are you, a baby?
Seriously though, these are cool cuz you donít have to figure out how to fit your beanie over your studio íphones when all you can think about is polishing puppies and gorging on Cheese Nips.
If your size XXXXL hoody and $200 belt donít quite convey how money (and also gangsta) you truly are, you can add this fitty-nine fitty cap to your ghetto-fab get-up. Or, if you donít want to look like a thugged-out Stewie Griffin, ...
You can look like Charlie Chapman, instead.
And last but not least: